Transporter 3 (2008)

If action movies had a corresponding bible, there would only be one commandment listed inside: Thou shall not be boring. I’m sad to report that Transporter 3 will be going straight to hell when it finally departs this world.

Directed by Olivier Megaton (what a great last name), the third film in this international action series opens to find our hero, Frank Martin (Jason Statham), enjoying a bit of fishing with his old pal, Inspector Tarconi (Francois Berleand). The peace and quite doesn’t last long, however.

Frank is soon drawn into a web of intrigue and danger when he’s captured by the villainous Johnson (Robert Knepper of Prison Break fame) and forced to deliver a mysterious package. To complicate matters, he has a passenger in the form of a lovely freckle-faced Ukrainian girl named Valentina (Natalya Rudakova in her feature film debut). To further complicate matters, both Frank and Valentina are forced to wear explosive bracelets which will detonate if they get more than 75 feet away from their vehicle.

And so it goes. Frank spends the rest of the movie driving and fighting, while Inspector Tarconi tries to track down his missing pal. Meanwhile, there’s an unnecessary subplot about a foreign leader (Jeroen Krabbe) who’s being forced into allowing ships carrying toxic chemicals into his country. As you might imagine, the two plotlines eventually come crashing together with far less grace than most of Frank’s car chases.

While the plot was uninspired, I’ve somewhat come to expect that from films of this genre. What really disappointed me was the complete and utter lack of imagination in the action scenes; in fact, Megaton seemed more interested in using special effects and camera tricks than putting together an entertaining product.

The fight scenes are the worst example of this. Megaton uses an effect which gives the actors the appearance of speeding up for just a second. While this is no doubt meant to make blows appear to land with even greater speed and impact, I couldn’t help but be reminded of those wacky chase scenes at the end of Benny Hill episodes.

The hand-to-hand battles are devoid of any real tension by this point in the series. No matter how many men surround Frank, you just know he’s going to find a way to win. While we usually assume this is the case in any action film, a well-crafted scene can make you forget your assumptions long enough to get wrapped up in the on-screen events. Unlike our titular hero, Megaton fails to deliver.

And let’s not forget the casting of Natalya Rudakova as Valentina. The Russian immigrant turned New York hairdresser was reportedly discovered by Luc Besson (co-writer of the film) while crossing the street. Too bad she didn’t take a taxi.

While she’s certainly easy on the eyes, Rudakova’s thick accent is more confusing than sexy, and large chunks of her dialogue are reduced to an unintelligible mess. The script doesn’t help, as she’s called upon to utter nonsense such as “Make playtime for me,” and “I like the rough stuff.” In the end, she sucks the life out of any scene she’s involved in, and her total lack of acting ability would be laughable if it wasn’t so annoying.

I’d like to say that Transporter 3 put the final nail in the coffin for an already ailing franchise, but that would be untrue; in fact, the film was the highest-grossing entry in the series (nearly $100 million), almost guaranteeing us a fourth Transporter movie. Next time around, let’s hope someone reads their bible before filming begins.