In the early stages of Season of the Witch, knights Behmen (Nicolas Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman) are forced by the Church into escorting a girl (Claire Foy) to a distant monastery. There, the holy men within will determine whether or not she’s a witch responsible for the plague that’s sweeping across the countryside. But the noble Behmen–still haunted by the sight of women and children being slaughtered during the Crusades–is more than a little sceptical, even going so far as to promise the lass that she’ll receive a fair hearing. Yes, I’m certain witchcraft trials during the Middle Ages were the very definition of just.
So off our battle-weary heroes go, accompanied by a knight who’s lost his family to the plague (Ulrich Thomsen), a swindler who claims to know the best route (Stephen Graham), an altar boy who wants to follow in the footsteps of his warrior father (Robert Sheehan), and a priest devoted to cleansing the land of its curse (Stephen Campbell Moore). A more doomed group I’ve never seen.
And just in case you ever find yourself in a similar situation–with doubts about your captive’s innocence–here are a few tell-tale signs to look for:
- The girl grins menacingly whenever she thinks nobody is looking.
- The girl possesses the power to cast illusions, getting one of your party killed in the process.
- The girl hoists a man into the air using only one arm.
- The girl summons a pack of unnatural wolves, getting one of your party killed in the process.
- The girl implies that she’ll provide oral sex through the bars of her cage.
While the last item might be reason enough to set her free, any of the others should probably earn her a swift beheading. But our heroes have a mission to fulfill, you see, and only the aforementioned monks will be able to restore the land to its usual state of filth and misery. So instead of the hoped for medieval road trip filled with chest-thumping camaraderie and supernatural thrills, we slog along on a forced march complete with the occasional bad pun, Perlman and Cage desperately trying to generate chemistry, and the constant sense that the accused witch might look pretty hot if someone would just give her a bath.
The Bragi F. Schut screenplay generated a bidding war when it hit the market back in 2000, and this just goes to show the utter lack of creativity that’s sweeping through Hollywood like the Black Plague swept through Europe. There’s nothing original to be found between the credits, and the listless twist near the end will leave you shaking your head and checking your watch. Even as a straight-to-DVD release, Season of the Witch would be a mild disappointment.
Cage and Perlman, both likable in the right roles, are given characters with a complex backstory but not enough on-screen ammo to sell it. Behmen and Felson have hacked grown men to pieces (women and children, too), deserted their army, and bedded a legion of foreign beauties in between. Why then, do they seem more like a couple of middle-aged men forced to go on an unpleasant camping trip?
It doesn’t help that the film tries too hard to pander to the PG-13 crowd. If the filmmakers had chosen to take a more over-the-top approach to things, we might’ve been in for a fine piece of medieval camp. Instead, Season of the Witch will wind up being burned at the box-office stake for the worst of all cinematic crimes…boredom.
The movie was compelling. I thought the acting of Cage and Perlman especially and some of the others was not up to par. If you do a period piece you should act and sound like it rather then sound like you are just going out in LA. The casting might have been better. I must say i enjoy everything medieval. The plot was great, the scenery was great. In general it was a good way to devote a few hours.