Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

Are you a fan of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies and anxious to know how the new fourth installment, On Stranger Tides, compares to the first three films? Sorry, I got nothing for ya. Thanks for stopping by, though.

That’s because I am not a fan of the series. I found the first film so boring and devoid of humor or any other remotely interesting quality that I stopped watching halfway through; consequently I never bothered with the second and third films. But hey, somebody has to review the new one; it’s only playing on eleventy thousand screens across the country while Disney’s marketing tidal wave splashes across every other website.

This review is for the person who maybe wanted to see Fast Five (no, you really don’t) or The Conspirator (good choice) instead, but was outvoted by the rest of the group. Or maybe you’re chaperoning an SUV full of hyper little fans of pirates and Johnny Depp.

The movie wastes no time in getting revved up, beginning with the trial of Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) that quickly devolves into chaos and a gymnastic escape through the cobblestone streets of London. It’s the most visually engaging action sequence of the film, as it turns out, and features a humorous cameo appearance by Judi Dench. Sparrow soon encounters a few associates from the previous films: first mate Gibbs (Kevin McNally), Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), and his father (Keith Richards — no wonder Sparrow slurs his words).

Then comes trouble when Sparrow meets the guy who’s been impersonating him, but the guy turns out to be Angelica (Penelope Cruz), a hot Latina he has a flirtatious past with (although this is her first appearance in the series, so clueless people like me haven’t missed anything). But now she’s a sword-swinging badass, kidnapping Sparrow at the behest of her father, the dreaded pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane). Because they’re all headed out across the ocean, chasing the Spanish to find Ponce de Leon’s fabled Fountain of Youth.

Watching this movie made me reflect on why I only saw half of the first movie and then quit. I felt it was a weak idea to make a film based on a second-rate Disneyland ride. I’ve never been a huge fan of Disney products anyway, with Tangled being a notable exception. And the mere subject of pirates has never interested me, and it feels a little wrong to celebrate them as heroic characters when piracy is still taking place today off the coasts of Africa and the Middle East.

Also, I haven’t yet fallen to my knees in worship of Johnny Depp as many others seem to have done. I’ve seen him in a couple of truly great performances (Edward Scissorhands, Sweeney Todd) and a handful of other good turns, but he’s inconsistent. He’s obviously better and having more fun here than in his terrible performance in The Tourist. But despite his Oscar nomination for his first outing as Jack Sparrow, sometimes it feels like his clowning in the role overpowers any real acting he may be attempting. He waltzes through the part, winking at the camera, on his way to picking up a billion-dollar paycheck. And he seemed to generate much less audience laughter than I anticipated.

Penelope Cruz is pleasant enough to watch, though I wish we’d seen more of her, if you know what I mean (but what do I expect, it’s Disney). Ian McShane is terrific, looking and sounding like Al Swearengen walked away from the Gem Saloon in Deadwood and put on a pirate costume. He’s an outstanding actor with magnetic eyes and delivery, and I hope we continue to see him, often, in anything.

I came away from the theatre wishing pirates always operated out on the water, because, once all these scalawags move ashore and start wandering through the jungle, this overlong movie really starts to drag. What starts as a clever fight between Depp and Rush within a precariously balanced shipwreck ends without any sort of satisfactory payoff. Plus, there’s a tedious subplot involving a boring actor and actress playing a missionary and the mermaid object of his infatuation. Whenever these two are on-screen, think of it as a perfect time to hit the bathroom or concession area.

Yeah, there are mermaids present, and the scene where they attack would have been a lot more interesting if it wasn’t all staged in that dim blue lighting that represents movie moonlight. In fact, this and a subsequent fight scene lose much of their impact because of the artificial nocturnal lighting, coupled with rapid-fire editing, that makes it difficult to see what’s really going on. It feels like a cheap cost-cutting measure to save on cheesy visual effects, and the film builds to a climax that you just know is going to rip off the Indiana Jones series (like most works involving a quest for a mythological item). This time around, it takes place in what looks like a leftover set from the finale of Lost.

Sure, it’s all mindless escapist entertainment in the end, but the emphasis is on mindless. There wasn’t a lot of laughter or cheers from the audience, and the excitment level seemed muted throughout. It was viewing by routine, providing a momentarily amusing but ultimately forgettable experience.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides will make millions of dollars worldwide, and Disney will use that income to churn out even more of the same mass-appeal blandness for people who settle for the majority decision rather than take a risk. It’s your choice, people.