It was inevitable, really, that Piranha 3D would come into existence. The title is the concept, just like Snakes on a Plane, but more succinct (by two words). The 3D trend is big at the box office these days, right? And people like scary creature flicks, right? And we’re in the middle of a summer heat wave, so let’s make the audience feel cool by setting it all in the water, right? And we can show lots of hot babes in bikinis…and less, right? And we can half-assedly rip off Jaws (and two other forgotten Jaws ripoffs from 30 years ago, Piranha and Piranha 2: The Spawning) but pass it off as an “homage,” right? Cha-CHING…right?
I hope not, because this movie is just awful. Beginning with a cameo appearance by none other than Richard Dreyfuss–in his Jaws clothing and singing “Show Me the Way to Go Home”–we’re quickly introduced to our hero, Jake (Steven R. McQueen), the good-looking teenage boy inexplicably shunned by nearly every other good-looking teenager of either gender, saddled with babysitting his bratty kid brother and sister while their mother (Elisabeth Shue) protects the lake as the local sheriff by threatening unruly spring break partygoers with her stun gun. Jake catches the attention of Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell), a coked-up pornographer who wants a local to show him around. It doesn’t take much depth of thought to realize Jake’s going to make some bad decisions, the two kids will end up in the wrong place at the wrong time, and Mama-with-a-badge will come to the rescue.
And they all have bigger fish to fry, literally and figuratively, because here come the piranhas! Set free from a subterranean “lake beneath the lake” by an earthquake, these are big, nasty-looking piranhas, “over two million years old” according to Christopher Lloyd, rehashing his old shtick in a cameo as the town’s resident fishy kook. After about 40 minutes of requisite fake-outs, teases, and tits in 3D, it’s time for the carnage to begin in earnest. Elisabeth Shue does her best Roy Scheider impression, but, of course, nobody listens. The ugly chick floating on the innertube is bitten on the ass, and all hell breaks loose. They even work in a predictable semi-homage to Piranha 2 director James Cameron when the panicking swimmers overwhelm a floating stage full of amps and lighting rigs, which then topples over like the Titanic, forcing people to fall to their watery deaths.
And make no mistake, this is some of the grisliest, graphic nastiness I’ve seen in quite some time. The production truly went overboard on the fake blood and flesh, and the audience howled in laughter and shock at scenes of people torn apart or bisected; one especially gross moment depicting the fate of a certain part of Jerry O’Connell’s anatomy had several audience members fleeing the theater.
Yes, I laughed a few times, but not for the right reasons; I laughed at this movie, but not with it. The filmmakers expect you to accept this as a winking parody, but it’s not funny enough to be a true parody or even a comedy. They even put Ving Rhames in this thing, appearing for two scenes as a deputy sheriff, just so he can spout a few obscenities as a sort of comic relief and fight off piranhas with a shotgun and a power saw before his pointless and poorly photographed demise. There are a couple of moments deliberately made for laughs, such as Jerry O’Connell’s last line and the final moment of the movie, but after the preceding display of screenwriting and filmmaking ineptitude and exceedingly gory mayhem, it’s a bit like asking Mary Todd Lincoln what she thought of the play, despite the other unpleasantness. After sitting through this movie, I just wanted to go home and take a shower.
As the resurgent trend in 3D movies continues, films like this remind us of 3D’s previous heydays in the 1950s and the early 1980s; back then, although a few major-studio projects dabbled in the format, 3D was usually relegated to a gimmick of the B-movie. As the days of the drive-in and the double feature have sadly passed into near-extinction, today virtually every film in the local multiplex is considered and distributed as an A-picture. High-profile films like Avatar and the Disney/Pixar movies have pioneered the current 3D trend. Piranha 3D serves as a reminder of the technique’s low-budget, lowbrow roots.
Because, for all the fanciful multicolored worlds that Pixar and James Cameron and Tim Burton have presented to us in 3D, we haven’t really seen much (yet) in the way of 3D porn, and we get a titillating glimpse of it here. Yes, we see several mammary landscapes, often protruding toward the camera in three-dimensional glory, as well as an underwater 3D dance with two naked girls…and, of course, the bare breasts of a freshly dismembered corpse. Female objectification much? Ugh. And a note to filmmakers: Murky underwater scenes stay murky, even in 3D. Numerous scenes in this movie are too dark, or the 3D just looks cheap and tacky.
Sitting through this movie reminded me of those days when you’re sick at home and end up flipping through the TV channels. Even though there’s nothing else on, you still feel guilty about watching Jerry Springer. In fact, Piranha 3D may have buckets of gore and 3D and a few semi-famous faces, but in terms of quality it’s no better than any cheesy movie on cable. Save your 3D dollars for something more worthwhile, and stay home to watch Mega Piranha or Fire from Below on Syfy. Who needs Christopher Lloyd and Elisabeth Shue when you can get Kevin Sorbo and Maeghan Albach at home, anyway?
Looks like I spoke too soon. Ving Rhames somehow survived the last film, and he’ll be back for the 2011 sequel entitled Piranha 3DD.
SPOILER ALERT:
Yes, he dies before the end, but not before wielding an outboard motor like a complete badass.
I have only seen bits and peices of this movie. Doesn’t deputy Fallon die in piranha attack or somewhere before the end?
I was not aware of the Dreyfus cameo. Robert Shaw and Roy Schneider must be rolling over in their graves.
I have to admit I was surprised to see Shue attached to this. But I was not surprised to see Mr. Kangaroo Jack.
I’m gonna skip this one. I’m glad you had to watch it and not me.