Ninja Assassin (2009)

When a pissed off ninja sets out to protect a gorgeous Europol agent, there will be blood. In Ninja Assassin, that blood spurts far, wide, and often, coming down like, well, rain.

Through flashbacks, we learn that our titular hero, also known as Raizo (Korean pop star Rain), was kidnapped as an orphan by Lord Ozunu (Sho Kosugi), who runs an operation training other kidnapped kids to become lethal ninjas. They spend their time learning to kick butt, overcome pain, and perform magical ninja tricks like healing themselves.

Sounds cool, right? But their training isn’t of the touchy-feely Mr. Miyagi variety. Ozuno is vicious, taking the switch to Raizo’s feet when his tread is not quite cat-like enough, among other bloody punishments. In Ozuno’s opinion, failure must be marked on the flesh as a longstanding reminder, and Raizo has a surfeit of scars on his otherwise lithe, muscular body to show for it.

Another of the teacher’s brutal maxims: betrayal is punishable by death. So when Raizo defects, slashing his master in retaliation for the death of his first love, he becomes ninja public enemy number one.

Second on that hit list is Berlin-based Europol forensic researcher, Mika (Noemi Harris). It seems she’s uncovered the centuries-old secret of the nine clans of ninjas – the Ozunos among them – who have been hired by governments and wealthy individuals to take out their enemies for the quaint but hefty bounty of 100 pounds of gold. An army of shadowy assassins wielding five pointed stars and Katana swords is dispatched to kill the nosy girl. Lucky for her, Raizo, who has managed to escape Ozuno’s immediate wrath, is hiding out, folding laundry, and doing shirtless calisthenics nearby.

What ensues in director James McTeigue’s lowbrow martial arts flick is literally a bloodbath. Severed limbs, digits, and even faces spray up like oil gushers, coating everyone in its path in the preternaturally red stuff. If you thought the Spartans knew how to decapitate a Persian in 300, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Through the judicious use of slow motion and some un-nameable digital magic, the gore seems to fly at you, as if in 3D.

Rain’s acting style is straight from the school of speak little and carry a big Kyoketsu-shoge (that’s a scary-looking chain with an even scarier looking knife attached to the end). And while I’m not sure of his martial arts background, his years spent dancing backup for K-pop boy bands are evident in his graceful execution of the tight fight choreography.

There’s certainly no shortage of opportunities to watch him flex his muscles. Nearly every non-flashback scene (and most of those too, come to think of it) is action-packed and blood-soaked. Good thing McTeigue keeps the most gruesome ones dimly lit and makes sure it rains plenty to wash all the innards away.

Don’t expect Shakespeare, or even Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Ninja Assassin has its feet firmly planted in the mass market, ultraviolent kung fu genre. In that aspect, (dare I say?) it makes it rain.