Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)

You’ve no doubt heard of the phrase “least common denominator.” After going online and consulting with the always-helpful Wikipedia, I found the following definition: “Used to describe the most basic, least sophisticated level of taste, sensibility, or opinion among a group of people.” It also adds that the “subject has been simplified to appeal to a wider audience.” I’d be hard-pressed to find a better summation of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

The hero of the story, Paul Blart (Kevin James), is an overweight guy who dreams of being a policeman, but he’s failed the physical exam eight times due to a comically severe case of hypoglycemia (is there any other type in Hollywood?). He works as a mall security guard to pay the bills, and he spends the rest of his time raising his daughter. It seems Blart’s ex-wife was an illegal immigrant who took advantage of his good nature and got herself pregnant to gain citizenship (before abandoning both husband and child).

With nothing else going on in his life, Blart throws all his energy into his job at the mall. As he prowls the corridors on his Segway, citation book in hand, you can tell he’s a man on a mission. Nobody else seems to notice this, however, and he’s roundly disrespected by the various patrons of the mall. Even his own co-workers don’t seem to like him.

Then he meets Amy (Jayma Mays), a young woman who’s just opened a mall kiosk selling hair extensions. Amy is attractive and single, the kind of fantasy woman who exists only in the movies. She even seems to prefer nice-guy Blart over aggressive pen salesman Stuart (Stephen Rannazzisi). For the first time in years, Blart begins to feel as though things are looking up. That’s about the time that armed thieves burst into the mall, intent on stealing over $30 million worth of credit card codes from the various stores. With Amy in danger, Blart must call upon hidden reserves of courage in order to save the day.

Once the mall robbery gets started, you may notice that the film begins to increasingly steal moments from Die Hard. FBI agents Johnson and Johnson, for example, are replaced by the overtly macho Commander Kent (Bobby Cannavale), a man who happened to bully Blart in high school. Jerky pen salesman Stuart is also a dead ringer for Die Hard’s obnoxious Harry Ellis.

It’s obvious that these characters and situations should be funny, but the film never really finds its comedic footing. Jokes and sight gags are thrown against the wall, and you can almost hear the filmmakers praying for something to stick. Much of the humor, of course, revolves around Blart being overweight. While I’ll give James (who co-wrote the film) credit for having a willingness to laugh at himself, that doesn’t mean that the cliché-riddled script isn’t deeply flawed.

Late in the movie, for example, Blart’s daughter just walks right into the mall while it’s under siege. Do local police and SWAT only cover the front exits and entrances during a hostage situation? This might seem like nitpicking to you, but to me it perfectly illustrates how sloppy the screenplay gets at times.

The movie is loaded down with classic rock from the ‘70s and ‘80s, and I sometimes felt as though I was getting a sneak peek at Kevin James’s iPod playlist. From “Detroit Rock City” to “Frankenstein,” the musical interludes seem to exist mainly to fill the cracks in a film which otherwise lacks substance.

When it comes to the film’s villains, they’re about as lame as you could possibly imagine. We’re talking criminals on skateboards and BMX bicycles, for crying out loud, and don’t forget about the acrobats. This culminates in the long-awaited chase scene between a skateboard and a Segway, and I kept asking myself, “Self, exactly what age group is this nonsense aimed at?”.

Kevin James does have some talent as a comic, so normally I’d feel bad for him getting stuck in such a piece of garbage. Then I remind myself that not only did he co-write the aforementioned garbage, but it also grossed over one-hundred-and-eighty-million dollars. With Paul Blart 2 all but assured, it only remains to be seen which 80’s action film will be ripped off the next time around. Personally, I’m pulling for either Lethal Weapon in a tanning salon or Action Jackson at a Starbucks.