In recent years, the subject of immigration has become a hot button topic in those states resting on the U.S./Mexico border. With the new, controversial laws from Arizona still being argued over in court, indie filmmaker Robert Rodriguez has decided to weigh in with his vision of international relations. The result is Machete, an irreverent and frequently bloody send-up of both traditional action flicks and exploitation cinema. And it’s got Lindsay Lohan wearing a nun’s habit.
This isn’t Machete’s first time to the dance. Craggy-faced actor Danny Trejo portrayed a similar character in Desperado, and Machete most definitely co-starred in the Spy Kids series (all of the preceding directed by Robert Rodriguez). But it was the gag trailer sandwiched between Rodriguez’s Planet Terror and Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof that really started the gears turning. Now the tattooed former Federale who’s handy with a blade gets his moment in the sun, and the resulting motion picture should have anti-immigration opponents reacting the same way Democrats did when Fahrenheit 9/11 hit theaters. For anyone who’s not going to see a political statement, however, the lead character’s signature weapon routinely proves sharper than the script.
The film begins with Machete and his doomed partner out to apprehend Mexican drug lord Torrez (Steven Seagal). Like any good movie cop, Machete disregards the orders of his superior and crashes his car into the villain’s hideout. That’s when a trap is sprung, and our hero must watch helplessly as his wife is beheaded by a samurai sword that strangely makes the same sound Steve Austin did on The Six Million Dollar Man.
Fast forward a few years, and Machete is now a day laborer wandering the streets of Texas. He’s approached by Michael Booth (Jeff Fahey), a local businessman who offers him $150,000 to kill Senator John McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro), a racist politician who hangs out with militant nutjobs (led by Don Johnson) in his spare time. There’s a double-cross, though, and Machete soon finds himself framed and on the run. Luckily, he receives some much-needed assistance from a revolutionary taco vendor (Michelle Rodriguez), a conflicted immigration agent (Jessica Alba), a shotgun-wielding priest (Cheech Marin), and a porn-star-turned-nun (Lindsay Lohan).
The trailer for the faux Machete was a real hoot. In just a few minutes, it managed to cram in sex, violence, profanity, and one of the greatest tag lines in movie history (“They just fucked with the wrong Mexican.”). But its length was one of the primary keys to its success; it showed us just enough visceral eye candy before swaggering off stage left. The full-length version is far less graceful. While it does bring the same kind of stripped-down indie attitude as the original, the increased runtime exposes a number of flaws. Chief among them is the script (written by Rodriguez and his cousin, Alvaro), which delivers a grainy stream of dialogue and characters that fall short of the coolness factor hoped for by the filmmakers.
The fight scenes also fizzle, mainly due to the editing of Rebecca Rodriguez (the director’s sister). While her brother’s previous stints as editor produced a number of wonderfully violent movie moments, we’re once again subjected to the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cuts that seem to infest cinemas these days. In fairness, though, a climatic swordfight between 66-year-old Danny Trejo and a puffy-faced, 58-year-old Steven Seagal might have required a few more edits than usual.
But all this is not to say that Machete doesn’t have its moments. A nude woman pulls a cell phone from her vagina within the first ten minutes, and our pissed-off Mexican later uses a man’s intestines to swing from one floor of a building to another. Heads are chopped off, incestuous porn films are made, and a man of the cloth is crucified in his own church. Jeff Fahey and Don Johnson stand out in their villainous roles, with Fahey’s Michael Booth being an especially intriguing blend of ruthless killer and concerned (albeit creepy) family man.
It should’ve been a campy ride from start to finish, but the constant preaching about immigration issues wears thin and blurs the line between simple exploitation and a movie with a message. While the film went into production before the whole Arizona furor, Rodriguez tied himself to the debate by releasing a fake trailer on Cinco de Mayo aimed at the 48th state and their new policies. From that point forward, a simple film about guns, girls, and gore took on a deeper meaning. And that would be fine if Machete wasn’t so relentless in its sermonizing and mediocre in its payoff.
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