Legion (2010)

I love movies about or including archangels. I think it has something to do with that inevitable moment when they–Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, crazy-pants Tilda Swinton, crazier-pants Christopher Walken, and even bloated John Travolta–show off that impressive feathered wingspan. So, as tired as I am of the recent glut of apocalypse-themed movies out on the market (this one is the fourth in as many months), I have to admit to being pretty excited to see Legion. After factoring in good-looking and talented Paul Bettany and Dennis Quaid, it should have been a slam-dunk. It should have been.

Legion begins on a promising, yet predictably, note: a Sarah Connor-esque opening voiceover (with accompanying views of barren desert landscapes) has a young woman telling the story of her mother who once regaled her with Bible-based end-of-days prophesies. That voice belongs to Charlie (Adrianne Palicki of TV’s Friday Night Lights), a curly-haired, cherub-faced pregnant waitress at a roadside diner–proleptically named Paradise Falls–at the intersection of Las Vegas, Phoenix, Los Angeles, and precisely nowhere.

In addition to Charlie, there’s the usual ragtag bunch of strangers whom fate has brought together: Bob Hanson (Dennis Quaid), the divorced, cynical proprietor; Jeep (Lucas Black), his mechanic son who also happens to be in love with Charlie; Percy (Charles S. Dutton), the kind-spirited short-order cook; plus a gun-toting black guy (Tyrese Gibson) and a Beamer-driving couple with their scantily-clad, teen hellraiser daughter (Jon Tenney, Kate Walsh, and Willa Holland).

Meanwhile, in Heaven, the Big Guy has finally tired of mankind’s never-ending bullshit. He’s decided that instead of a flood, this time He’ll send his legion of avenging angels, headed up by Michael and Gabriel (biblically speaking, the warrior and the messenger, respectively) to wipe the slate clean. But Michael (Paul Bettany) still has faith in humanity and thinks he can get God to change His mind. So he goes rogue, lands Terminator-style (sorry ladies, he is wearing pants) in the middle of Los Angeles, performs a painful-looking wing-ectomy, and arms himself to the hilt for the face-off.

When he arrives at Paradise Falls, the freaked-out little group who’ve lost television, radio, and phone service are ready to blow his head off. These folks are understandably on edge after a granny in desperate need of less pointy dentures enters the restaurant and orders a rare steak, only to take a bite out of an even rarer (i.e. still-breathing) fellow patron after announcing that Charlie’s unborn baby is going to burn. But Michael is able to convince them that he’s a friend and starts preparing them for what’s about to come.

If you’ve read the Bible (or seen The Exorcist), you’ll know that Legion is also the name of a multi-personality possession demon that Jesus himself exorcises. Well, in this film angels are also capable of body snatching and that’s their big plan to take down mankind. The angel-possessed people (shark-toothed little old lady was one of them) start to descend on the diner in their slow-moving Night of the Living Dead zombie way, while Michael and the men shoot ‘em up with assault rifles from a protected position on the roof.

This is where the movie takes a sharp turn for the worst. The story, which to this point has been unfolding slowly but with enough zest to keep the audience’s attention, suddenly takes a permanent vacation. Bettany is suitably grave but maddeningly vague in his fast-forwarded explanation of what’s happening: yadda yadda, God lost faith, yadda yadda, angels of destruction, yadda yadda, baby is the future of mankind.

Newbie scribes Peter Schink and Scott Stewart write some of the most ludicrous lines of dialogue ever uttered on screen. This might be all right if these lines were dashed off quickly in the midst of heart-pounding, nail-biting action. You’d say stupid crap, too, if unstoppable angels were trying to wipe you off the face of the planet. Instead, the action is kept to a minimum to support long soliloquies of stupidity. It seems that Stewart, also new to the director’s chair, couldn’t bear to leave his overstuffed monologues on the cutting room floor, where he left the other half of this story.

The best scene in the latter part of Legion is a showdown between Michael and Gabriel (Kevin Durand), where the latter uses his wings to inflict some serious damage. Perhaps I’m blinded by the fact that I was finally granted my long-awaited wingspan money shot, but the actors certainly play the sibling rivalry for the Almighty’s affection well, despite having to deliver cheesy lines like “You gave him what He wants. I gave him what He needs.” Still, it isn’t recompense enough for Legion’s lack of action, poorly developed plot, terrible writing, and one of the worst endings of an apocalypse film to date.