Laid to Rest (2009)

The villain of Laid to Rest is a psychotic slasher known as Chrome Skull. We know this because (a) he has it on his license plate, and (b) his mask of choice is a skeletal visage cast in chrome. When he’s not carving up young women and stuffing them into coffins, he likes to film his murders and send them to the police. While these snuff tapes would no doubt be disturbing to watch, they couldn’t possibly be any more tedious or mind-numbing than this movie.

Laid to Rest tells the story of “The Girl” (Bobbi Sue Luther), a young woman who wakes up in a coffin with severe head trauma. Unable to remember who she is or how she got there, she escapes from a funeral home with a knife-wielding killer in hot pursuit. Her flight from certain dismemberment brings her into contact with a number of local-yokels such as Tucker (Kevin Gage), Steven (Sean Whalen) and Cindy (Lena Headey). Meanwhile, Chrome Skull stalks his victim and slices up anyone who dares get between them.

There are plenty of familiar faces in Laid to Rest, although you‘ll probably have a tough time remembering any of their names at first glance. They include: Bobbi Sue Luther from TV’s Junkyard Wars and magazines such as Maxim; Lena Headey from 300 and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (I was surprised to see her in this low-budget film in the first place); Kevin Gage, best known as Waingro from Heat; Sean Whalen from Twister and The Cable Guy; Richard Lynch from Invasion U.S.A. and Bad Dreams; Thomas Dekker from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles; and Lucas Till from Hannah Montana: The Movie.

Unfortunately, the weak script never allows any of these otherwise serviceable actors to show their true talent. The script, by the way, was penned by Robert Hall, a special-effects expert. As both the writer and director of Laid to Rest, Hall doesn’t do his cast any favors. The characters often seem painfully dimwitted, and the dialogue is beyond bad.

Take, for example, the role of The Girl: after suffering a blow to the head, she not only forgets her name and identity but also the names of many common items around her. This leads to some unintentionally hilarious dialogue, as The Girl refers to a tire iron as a “tire stick,” a coffin as a “dead box,” and a 911 operator as a “police lady.” At one point, she even says the following of Chrome Skull (with a straight face, no less), “He wants to make me dead.”

And let’s not forget about Tucker Smith, the good-hearted but not-so-bright redneck. He seems amazed to learn that a computer can find out information about people, going so far as to tell the computer’s operator, “Make this thing look for missing girls in Miami.” I realize Tucker is supposed to be from the country, but give me a break.

While most horror films place the characters in isolated locations where cell phones can’t receive service, Laid to Rest goes way beyond that. The Girl stops at two houses, and neither of them has a land line (“I don’t have a traditional land line, per se,” says the home‘s idiotic resident). One vehicle is dangerously low on gas, and another has been modified to prevent its former owner from going above 40 mph. This dooms the characters to endlessly run in circles throughout the film, sometimes in vehicles and even on foot. On more than one occasion, they return to dangerous locations which they’ve already escaped from.

Of course, many horror fans may only be interested in two things when it comes to Laid to Rest: the amount of nudity and the quantity of gore. There’s not much nudity to report, unless you’re turned on by the naked breasts of several corpses. You will, however, get to bask in the glow on Jana Kramer’s striking beauty (too bad her southern accent doesn’t sound as good as she looks) and admire Bobbi Sue Luther’s distractingly large breasts (although they’re covered for most of the film by a loose-fitting shirt).

On the gore front, we get a giant knife through the head, a dissolved face, knife through the mouth, multiple heads sawed off, tire sealant to the brain, and a shotgun blast to the cranium. These kills are the high points of the film, which isn’t surprising considering the background of the director.

As slasher films go, you can do a whole lot better than Laid to Rest, a movie which offers nothing more than poor dialogue, disappointing acting and a story which ultimately goes nowhere. Even the final ten minutes feel like a rip-off, so do yourself a favor and skip it. Otherwise, you may end up feeling more miserable than Chrome Skull’s victims.

If you liked this review, you might also enjoy:

• Wrong Turn 2: Dead End