Killers (2010)

Killers, the most expensive film ever released by Lionsgate, repeatedly preaches about how lies can damage a relationship. I couldn’t agree more. In fact, let’s take a look at one of the biggest fibs told this week. It comes, ironically enough, from Lionsgate.

In a statement released on Wednesday, the distributor explained why Killers wasn’t being released in advance for film critics. “We want to capitalize on the revolution in social media by letting audiences and critics define this film concurrently. In today’s socially connected marketplace, we all have the ability to share feedback instantly around the world. In keeping with this spirit, Lionsgate and the filmmakers want to give the opportunity to moviegoing audiences and critics alike to see Killers simultaneously, and share their thoughts in the medium of their choosing. We felt that this sense of immediacy could be a real asset in the marketing of Killers.”

That, my friends, is a perfect example of a lie.

Here’s how a truthful statement from Lionsgate might have read:

“Our movies stinks. Despite sinking $70 million into this cinematic money pit, we’ve churned out a motion picture that is both soulless and an insult to even the most dense members of our audience. While we realize that the public will soon catch on to our chicanery, we’d like to delay the inevitable for as long as possible. Keeping this in mind, Lionsgate believes that screening the film for a group of paunchy, four-eyed critics is an unwise strategy. Instead, we would prefer to play up the social networking aspect, as it can be manipulated more easily than someone with a weekly column. Hey, it worked for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.”

Unfortunately, there’s little (read, “no”) truth in advertising.

Katherine Heigl is all teeth as Jen, a perpetually happy bore who accompanies her parents (Tom Selleck and Catherine O’Hara) on a vacation to France. Once there, she meets Spencer (Ashton Kutcher), falls in love, and eventually gets married. But Spencer has a secret: he’s a professional assassin for the U.S. government. Oh, what a predicament! We skip ahead three years, and Spencer is now a building contractor, having chosen true love over double taps to the head. But nobody ever leaves the contract killing game on their own terms, and he soon finds himself in the crosshairs of an endless stream of hitmen (and women) looking to collect on a $20 million bounty. As you might have guessed if you’ve ever seen a predictable film in your life, Jen isn’t going to be too happy when she learns the truth.

Billed as an action-comedy, Killers offers mediocre action and even less impressive comedy. When a friend turns out to be a sleeper assassin, it’s novel enough. Unfortunately, this happens an additional five times, and the second half of the film is packed with surburbanites popping up with automatic weapons and trying to snuff out our cute couple. The fact that they’re all burned alive, shot in the forehead, or impaled doesn’t really seem to mesh with the comedy genre. Come to think of it, there’s nothing that meshes in this entire production.

Director Robert Luketic (who also worked with Heigl on The Ugly Truth) demonstrates an obsession with aerial shots, and screenwriters Bob DeRosa and Ted Griffin are equally obsessed with tissue-thin characters and insulting plot twists. Take Mrs. Kornfeldt (Catherine O’Hara), for example. She’s perpetually sucking down alcohol from whatever oversized container she can get her hands on. This is meant to be funny. We know this because (a) an intervention is never held, and (b) it happens over and over and over.

DeRosa and Griffin follow the screenwriter’s handbook to a tee by introducing an additional complication for Jen and Spencer around the midway point. It’s clumsily inserted, stupidly explained, and adds absolutely nothing to the film. This, however, will seem like the second coming of Citizen Kane compared to the scene where we learn who’s behind the attempts on Spencer’s life. Having the ghost of Abraham Lincoln or Benny Hill engineer the attacks would’ve made about as much sense.

Kutcher and Heigl are pretty to look at, but that’s no reason to recommend Killers. The duos of Pitt/Jolie (Mr. and Mrs. Smith) and Schwarzenegger/Curtis (True Lies) are just as appealing on an aesthetic level, and their similarly-themed films won’t leave you feeling duped at every turn. Add in Lionsgate’s shameless ploy to sidestep critics and foist this crap on the public, and you’ve got a motion picture that deserves to be put out of its (and our) misery as soon as humanly possible. Go put that on your Facebook wall.

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