Jonah Hex (2010)

Jonah Hex, much like the comic book it’s based on, is a quick jaunt through an Old West landscape populated by grimy outlaws, Indian mysticism, and an assortment of lethal weaponry ready to belch fire and death with the slightest pull of a trigger. Unfortunately for summer moviegoers, the film has less depth than the average comic, wandering around like a crazed prospector under the desert sun.

Grim bounty hunter Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) was once a family man, but that life was taken away by his former Civil War commanding officer, Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich on full villain autopilot). Seems that Turnbull held a bit of a grudge against Hex for killing his only son, so he burns our hero’s family alive, makes him watch, and then brands him on the face as a permanent reminder. The obligatory helpful Indian tribe brings him back to a half-dead state, but Hex doesn’t return all the way. He now possesses the ability to speak with the dead by touching them–a nifty power to go along with his grotesquely scarred face (made even worse by burning away Turnbull’s brand).

Setting out for revenge, Hex is shattered to learn that Turnbull perished in a hotel fire. With no family and lacking a sense of purpose, he becomes a manhunter to make ends meet. But things aren’t always as they seem, and Turnbull surfaces a few years later on the eve of America’s Centennial celebration. Obsessed with payback against the hated Union, he begins construction on a device referred to menacingly as a “nation killer.” After he tests out his ultra-weapon on a town of innocents and the U.S. government realizes the trouble it’s in, guess who they turn to?

Best described as “brisk” (it’s only 80 minutes long with credits), Jonah Hex aspires to be a tongue-in-cheek actioner with liberal doses of gunplay and enough clever dialogue to keep audiences smirking in between the carnage. But the film’s aspirations quickly encounter two major obstacles.

First, the PG-13 rating does the movie no favors. Hex’s world is one where half the population looks in need of a bath, and most strangers would just as soon kill you and get to work removing your gold fillings. But there’s a conspicuous lack of foul language, and the gunfights are more of the hero-shoots-and-villain-falls-down variety. While it wants to have its cake and eat it too, the film panders more to teens looking for a diversion on a summer afternoon than adults weaned on High Plains Drifter or Unforgiven. And that’s fine, of course, but don’t be surprised when your product fails to recoup a budget reportedly in the realm of $80 million.

The second obstacle to success is the listless script from Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor. The lines meant to elicit laughter fall flat, and they somehow accomplish the impressive feat of making a disfigured killer in well-worn Confederate attire seem rather boring. Neveldine and Taylor also co-wrote and co-directed Crank and Gamer. In the former, the frenetic, over-the-top action made up for the lack of quality dialogue. The latter had little to offer in either category. Jonah Hex is more in line with the second.

But you can’t accuse Josh Brolin for not trying. With one side of his face covered in a cool prosthetic–including a hole where anything imbibed partially dribbles out–he snarls, grimaces, and does his level best to appear grim. It’s an impossible task, though, as seemingly half the film is spent repeating the same traumatic flashback or indulging in a superfluous dreamscape showdown between he and Turnbull.

Megan Fox co-stars as the whore with a heart of gold, and her cypher-like career continues. Can she act, or is she just another pretty face? The jury’s still out, as her greatest contribution to this film involves wearing a corset that reduces her already slim waistline to 18 inches. She does, however, cut a striking figure during her all-too-brief action sequences, but perhaps I was distracted by her heaving, sweat-covered bosom.

The rest of the cast is rounded out by a number of familiar faces, although they’re stricken by the same blandness that permeates every other nook and cranny of this production. Will Arnett plays it straight and seems out of place as an Union officer, Michael Fassbender is Turnbull’s bowler-wearing henchman, Aidan Quinn is President Ulysses S. Grant, and Michael Shannon is in the film for about five seconds as the emcee for a bizarre fighting competition featuring an acid-drooling “snake man.” Only Jeffrey Dean Morgan really distinguishes himself in an uncredited cameo, playing Turnbull’s deceased son who banters with Hex from beyond the grave.

If you’re remotely concerned about quality, earmark this motion picture for a future rental; better yet, scratch it off your list entirely. With its weak-willed action sequences, predictable plot, and general lack of inspiration, there are far better options this season. Otherwise, discerning moviegoers may walk out of Jonah Hex just as scarred as the protagonist.

(For a list of weird westerns that don’t suck, be sure to read the article over at our sister site, Only Good Movies.)