Hannah Montana: The Movie (2009)

I’m a little conflicted on how to write this review for Hannah Montana: The Movie. You see, I had a miserable experience sitting through the film, but it’s not as though it was made for a male over the age of thirty. Hannah Montana was produced with kids in mind, and all the tweens and pre-tweens surrounding me seemed to have a marvelous time. Therein lies my dilemma.

In case you’re unfamiliar with the setup, it goes something like this: Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus) is a normal teenager, but she also puts on a wig and becomes pop sensation Hannah Montana. In this big-screen adaptation, Miley/Hannah starts to lose touch with her friends and family, so her father, Robby Ray Stewart (Billy Ray Cyrus) takes her back to her humble roots in Tennessee.

Sure, I could trash the film by complaining about Billy Ray Cyrus’s atrocious acting. Every time he uttered “Whee, doggies,” I suddenly felt as though the icy hand of Buddy Ebsen was grasping me on the shoulder.

And what about the mixed message of the film? Robby Ray and his annoyingly folksy mother-in-law want Miley to hang up her Hannah persona and get back to basics. But when their hometown of Crowley Corners needs to raise money to prevent a shopping mall, they’ve got no problem with Miley once again donning the wig and making a little cash for them.

I could also talk about the derivative script which has wormed its way into dozens of teen movies under various titles. You know the one I’m talking about: spoiled city girl goes to the country and learns what’s really important in life; as if anyone dreams of learning life lessons by stepping in manure and operating farm machinery.

And then there’s the music. While Hannah/Miley tries her countrified best, every song in the film ends up sounding like something left over from the heady days of Kids Incorporated. The only tune which seemed to have any kind of emotional resonance was “The Climb,” and that’s simply because the others were straight off the bubblegum pop assembly line. I nearly gagged, by the way, during “Hoedown Throwdown,” a wimpy blending of faux-country and hip hop. It would appear that the movie version of Tennessee rednecks are far more accepting than in real life.

I could criticize Hannah Montana: The Movie for all this and more, but what would be the point? Fans of Miley Cyrus–and the TV show which spawned the movie–are going to see it, regardless (dragging their parents along if they’re too young to drive). Everyone else who doesn’t fancy themselves a movie critic will stay far, far away.

So why even do the review? Hey, I had to sit through the damned thing, so now you’re going to have to suffer through me talking about it.

On a more positive note, fans will no doubt love the fact that 12 brand-new songs are featured. There are plenty of cute girls and dreamy boys for the younger set to swoon over, and Lucas Till–playing the role of Miley’s love interest–seems the most promising of the bunch.

Given the polarizing nature of this kind of film, it‘s probably best to find a middle ground for my rating. Most kids will find Hannah Montana: The Movie to be a five-star experience, while anyone else will award it one or two stars. For that reason, I’ll be generous and give it 2 ½ stars. Whee, doggies, indeed.