Halloween II (2009)

John Carpenter, the director of the original 1978 Halloween, isn’t dead.  Even so, after seeing the Rob Zombie-helmed Halloween II, I can’t shake the image of the veteran director driving to the cemetery, finding his pre-selected burial plot, and having a good, therapeutic roll.  That’s because Halloween II, even more than Zombie’s first foray into the Michael Myers mythology, is a soulless creation which never approaches anything more than watered-down mediocrity.

The film begins right where the previous one left off, as the Haddonfield police department led by Sheriff Brackett (Brad Dourif in one of the film’s pitifully few bright spots) cleans up the aftermath of the Halloween massacre perpetrated by the supposedly-deceased Michael Myers (Tyler Mane).  I say supposedly-deceased because survivor Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton) shot him in the head at point-blank range, and he has no pulse.  But when has all that ever stopped a movie slasher?  Myers promptly breaks free, beheads an ambulance driver just because he can, and then experiences a so-odd-it’s-goofy vision featuring his mother, Deborah Myers (the director’s wife, Sheri Moon Zombie), leading a white horse.  We know this is supposed to be symbolic because some psychobabble definition about the white horse is thrown up on the screen before the film even starts.  While they were at it, I wish the filmmakers would’ve explained what it means to have a recurring dream of Brian Doyle-Murray riding naked in the Kentucky Derby. 

After some pointless killings at the hospital where Laurie and fellow survivor Annie Brackett (Danielle Harris, managing to play 18 at the age of 32) are taken—no doubt a nod to the original Halloween II—we jump ahead one year.  Since Laurie’s parents were murdered in the first film, she now lives with Sheriff Brackett and Annie.  Our heroine is plagued by nightmares, and this seems to have resulted in her (a.) regularly seeing a psychiatrist, and (b.) getting tattoos and wearing ripped jeans (oh, the rebellion).  With Halloween only days away, she’s becoming increasingly anxious.  That’s a wise move on her part, as the audience sees Myers making a cross-country trek back to Haddonfield.  Guided by the spirit/vision of his mother, Michael kills anyone he comes across, and he’s hoping to do the same to Laurie. 

Meanwhile, Dr. Sam Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) has turned from dedicated child psychologist into complete media whore.  Busy hawking his new book about the Haddonfield murders, he actually has the audacity to return to the small town and hold a book signing.  And when he’s not feigning sympathy for the victims or chewing out his publicist, he’s busy drinking wine, smirking, and admitting to himself what an ass he’s become.

You can probably guess what happens from there.  Halloween finally arrives, and Michael opens up a whole can of whoop-ass on Haddonfield.  I’d just as soon tell you the rest to prevent you from wasting your money, but I’ll bite my tongue and continue. 

Let me start my critique by going over all the thing that are good about Halloween II.

1. Brad Dourif.  The always-reliable actor once again turns in a solid performance, which is especially amazing considering the weak Zombie script he had to work with.   And by “Zombie script” I mean a script written by Rob Zombie, not a series of undead pages bound together (although that would’ve been an improvement).
2. Hot girls and a MILF.  Scout Taylor-Compton, Brea Grant, Danielle Harris, Angela Trimbur, Nicky Whelan and Sheri Moon Zombie.  Lots of lovely females to look at, at least until Michael bashes them to a bloody pulp.  On the acting side of things, they’re asked to do little more than seem concerned, slutty, or terrified.
3. It’s under two hours in length.  Believe me, that’s a very good thing, as I don’t know if I could’ve stood another dream sequence or bizarre white horse hallucination.
4. Interesting cameos.  Margot Kidder, Howard Hesseman and “Weird Al” Yankovic all make an appearance. 

And that’s about it for the positives.  Now on to all the reasons why you shouldn’t see Halloween II. 

For starters, Zombie as a director seems to have no real understanding of how to build tension.  Myers just appears out of nowhere, murders someone, and then moves on to the next scene.  The only real stylistic choice for making audience members jump is to have sound effects or music blast at an insane level whenever “The Shape” makes an appearance.  This is a directorial deficiency which stretches all the way back to House of 1000 Corpses.  While I liked that movie, it never really got under the viewer’s skin; it was all payoff and no set-up.  It’s hard to believe that someone who goes by the surname “Zombie” and made their initial fame singing songs such as “Spookshow Baby” and “Demon Speeding” has such problems generating a good scare. 

In most slasher sequels, the killer usually just shows up out of nowhere or gets resurrected by some bizarre means such as lightning.  With Halloween II, I can only wish that were the case.  Instead, we’re shown that Michael Myers has spent a full year wandering around the countryside, growing his beard to massive proportions and toting around a bedroll.  Does a guy who can survive a gunshot to the head really worry about comfort when he’s sleeping?  This all makes Myers seem more like a wandering hobo than a supernatural monstrosity. 

And speaking of monstrosities, the film has one defining moment in which to really establish Michael as pure evil, but it completely blows it.  After days of killing everyone he’s come across on the way to Haddonfield, Michael encounters a kid out trick-or-treating.  Instead of hacking him to pieces, Myers simply stands there and looks at him.  Sure, the kid is dressed like a clown (aka Myers as a child), so I guess he’s spared due to Michael’s deep-rooted psychological issues, but it would’ve been great to see him tear into the kid with the same gusto he normally reserves for teenage girls and violent rednecks.  Instead, Zombie seems to be inviting us to feel sympathy for Myers, something which isn’t really possible considering the utter brutality of his attacks.  And why do people who stray across the hooded giant seem intent on giving him grief?  If I encountered a nearly seven-foot-tall man in a darkened area, I’d be getting out of there, not attacking him with a baseball bat or punching him in the face.

In addition to the deafening sounds anytime Michael attacks, the movie is littered with songs which must’ve been popular when Zombie was in high school.  I don’t mind the man taking a trip down memory lane, but I shouldn’t be asked to pay to help him do it.  And isn’t the film taking place in modern-day America?  If so, why are the only bands heard on television or the radio such golden oldies as Lynyrd Skynyrd and The Moody Blues?  

But perhaps the greatest crime of Halloween II is what’s done with Dr. Loomis.  In the hands of Donald Pleasence, Loomis was a man just as obsessed as Michael Myers.  As the series progressed, he racked up more and more injuries from his conflicts with his former patient, until he was left as simply a broken shell of a man.  In the Zombie script, however, Loomis has effectively turned his back on the whole affair and opted to make himself some money by writing about it in lurid detail.  While it’s a novel enough take on the character, Loomis never really serves a purpose in the film other than to pad the running time and give Malcolm McDowell ample opportunity to sneer.  Here’s a question: if you’ve just written what’s hoped to be a national bestseller, why would you waste time holding a book signing in a small town like Haddonfield?  Answer: to keep you close enough to the unfolding events that you can suddenly show up when the script calls for it.  The character’s transformation is too extreme to be believable, and his atonement in the final act feels entirely forced. 

In fact, “entirely forced” about sums it up for Halloween II.  From the embarrassing attempts to write dialogue for teenage girls (do girls often refer to each other as “dicklicker”?) to the annoying habit of shaking the camera during action sequences, Zombie leaves much to be desired as a director.  The seemingly endless dream sequences don’t make things any better, and I’m officially sick of seeing Sheri Moon thrust upon horror fans simply because of who she married.  There are many inventive slasher films out there, some of which are even filled with delightfully dark humor: Halloween II is neither of the above.