G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

When a movie is withheld from advanced screenings, that can only mean one thing: the studio hopes to sidestep the inevitable landslide of scathing reviews. And after their recent blockbuster, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, was all but defecated on by the critics (including yours truly), Paramount Pictures decided to hedge their bets and circle the wagons around G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. It was an unnecessary strategy, as this actioner based on the popular cartoon and long-running comic book is nowhere near as offensive as the Transformers sequel. Of course, it’s not wise to plant a seed in the minds of the critics. If you essentially admit that you think your film will get bad reviews, you can expect them to come pouring in like rain through the roof of Little Bill Daggett. I won’t be continuing the trend, however, as I actually found G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra to be fairly entertaining, albeit vacuous, summer movie fare.

The film begins with a brief trip into the past, where we establish that members of Clan McCullen (they’re Scottish, don’t ya know) have a long history as arms dealers and treacherous opportunists. They also seem to have a recurring problem with getting metal masks grafted onto their faces (and if that’s not foreshadowing, I don’t know what is). Jump to the not-so-distant future, where modern-day opportunist and weapons designer James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) reveals his latest creation: nanotechnology capable of eating through a tank in seconds or completely destroying a city.

Four warheads equipped with the nanotechnology are scheduled to be delivered to NATO, and a convoy of U.S. Army personnel, including Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are tasked with keeping them safe. Things predictably go to hell rather quickly, and the convoy is ambushed by the Baroness (Sienna Miller) and her gang of high-tech killers. To further complicate matters, it’s revealed that Duke and the Baroness know each other. Don’t worry; this will all be explained later in one of the film’s many flashbacks.

Before the villains can get away with the goods, members of the elite and top secret G.I. Joe unit arrive to save the day. They include: Snake Eyes (Ray Park), Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), Breaker (Said Taghmaoui) and Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje). The warheads, along with Duke and Ripcord, are transported back to the Joe’s commander, General Clayton Abernathy aka Hawk (Dennis Quaid). When Duke expresses a desire for payback, and mentions that he knows the Baroness, he and Ripcord are allowed to join G.I. Joe.

But the villains aren’t about to take all this lying down. Besides the deadly and seductive Baroness, McCullen has also assembled a team consisting of Storm Shadow (Lee Byung-hun), a skilled ninja; The Doctor (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), a scientific genius; and Zartan (Arnold Vosloo), a lethal assassin and master of disguise.

For the rest of the film, the two teams run about the globe blowing the crap out of their surroundings and looking damn good doing it. Flashbacks give us a closer look at the relationships between Duke/Baroness and Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow, and we’re also introduced to about every kind of gadget one could possibly imagine. That’s not surprising considering that Hasbro was directly involved, and I’m willing to bet that small-scale versions of almost every soldier, aircraft, and vehicle shown will be available in stores before Christmas.

The makers of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra are certainly expecting a franchise, as much of the film is spent developing relationships and exploring backgrounds in-between explosions and shootouts. That’s not to say that most of the characters are particularly deep, but at least some effort is made. This is a film for big kids and little kids alike, and the primary focus is kept centered on action at all times.

And there’s plenty of action to be had. In fact, it borders on too much at times. As missiles buzz through the air, cars explode into fragments of glass and steel, and chiseled bodies narrowly avoid death or dismemberment, it becomes clear that even the old G.I. Joe cartoon from the ‘80s didn’t have nearly this level of on-screen destruction. In fact, some of the overdone action scenes feel more like something that two kids would come up with while playing in the backyard with their action figures. But maybe that’s exactly what the filmmakers were going for: escapist entertainment which takes us straight back to our childhood, where an orgy of pretend violence was both expected and cathartic.

While I like action as much as the next gun-wielding American, I also like to be able to see it without risking a seizure. Director Stephen Sommers joins a criminally long list of filmmakers who’ve lost all sense of reason when it comes to constructing a solid action scene. What’s the point of paying stuntmen, fight coordinators and CGI programmers, when everything is viewed in confusing (and shaky) half-second slices? I get tired of harping on this point, but it’s simply one of those moronic Hollywood trends which drives me out of my skull. Moving on.

Marlon Wayans provides adequate comic relief, but fortunately the film doesn’t overdo it with the jokes. Channing Tatum is wooden, even for a film which relies more on action than acting. But the real stars of the show are Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols, both of whom generate enough sex appeal to light a small city. Miller struts and smirks her way through the proceedings, and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a leather jumpsuit look so good. Nichols, meanwhile, plays Scarlett as a rough-and-tumble tomboy, naively unaware of her own charms. Little boys will love the toys, but this not-so-little boy loved me some Scarlett and Baroness. And when the inevitable catfight broke out…well, let’s just say that I should be full-up on daydream material for quite some time. Female viewers won’t be disappointed, either, as there are plenty of bulging biceps and chiseled pecs to admire.

As summer blockbusters go, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra offers something for all ages. It’s not the least bit cerebral, and it certainly doesn’t take itself too seriously. It does, however, provide beautiful bodies engaged in constant action and enough gunplay to make John McClane blush. In a season filled with one cinematic disappointment after another, that may be just enough.