Friday the 13th (2009)

As with the recently rebooted Halloween franchise, Hollywood felt it was time to turn back the clock on Friday the 13th. Combining elements of the first four original movies, this film from Platinum Dunes seeks to bring a whole new generation of thrillseekers into the world of Jason Voorhees. Newer isn’t always better, however, and this relaunch of the brand fails to capture any of the visceral fun of previous films from the franchise.

The movie begins with a young Jason Voorhees watching from the woods while his crazy mother (Nana Visitor) gets beheaded by the last surviving counselor of Camp Crystal Lake. You see, Mrs. Voorhees blamed the counselors for the drowning of her son, and so she’d went on a killing spree. Jason emerges after the battle, taking his mother’s head and a picture locket for safe-keeping.

30 years later, a group of attractive young people head into the woods near Crystal Lake to find a hidden crop of marijuana, and you just know this isn’t going to end well. That fact is emphasized when the lovely Whitney (Amanda Righetti) talks about getting a bad feeling. She’s right, of course, and the campers start getting picked off one at a time. The culprit is a grown Jason (Derek Mears), and it appears that he doesn’t cotton to people doing things like listening to Night Ranger in his woods. Everyone is killed except for Whitney, but her exact fate is unclear.

The film then jumps ahead six weeks, and we pick up with an equally attractive group of young people heading into the woods. Their destination is a lake house owned by the parents of Trent (Travis Van Winkle), the group’s resident spoiled jerk. Other members of the doomed party include: Jenna (Danielle Panabaker), Trent’s sweet girlfriend; Chewie (Aaron Yoo), a pothead and the film’s comic relief; Chelsea (Willa Ford), a blonde who looks really great naked; Bree (Julianna Guill), another soon-to-be-naked blonde; Nolan (Ryan Hansen), a disposable boyfriend; and Lawrence (Arlen Escarpeta), Chewie’s partner-in-crime when it comes to the chronic.

Almost immediately, they bump into Clay (Jared Padalecki), a young man who’s searching for his missing sister, Whitney (remember the girl who got a bad feeling?). The rest of the film jumps from Clay’s search to the rest of the youths finding new and inventive ways to get killed by Jason. Speaking of Jason, we also get to see him make the transition from an unfashionable bag over his head to the iconic hockey mask we’ve all come to know and love.

Too bad that director Marcus Nispel completely drops the ball when it comes to building tension. Almost every “gotcha” moment in Friday the 13th can be seen coming from a mile away, and neither Jason nor his kills seem very frightening. The film has the same look as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake (thanks to cinematographer Daniel Pearl, who did both), but that’s not enough to make up for the plodding direction and uninspired shot selection.

The dialogue between the characters holds up well enough, and the acting is sufficient for a film of the horror genre. Padalecki is handsome and earnest, just what you’re looking for in a hero. He’s not given much else to do, though, and he often seems like Sam Winchester, his character from the Supernatural television series, only minus his wisecracking brother, Dean.

Throughout the film, there are a number of moments which really seem to defy logic. For example, why would Jenna decide to go off in the woods with a guy she’s just met? Sure, Clay‘s ultra-dreamy , but wouldn’t all the local disappearances be a sign for young women to exercise extreme caution? And why does Camp Crystal Lake still have electricity? The place hasn’t been open in 30 years, and I have a hard time picturing Jason going into town to pay the electric bill.

Speaking of Jason, Nispel has transformed the fearsome cinematic killer into a boring shadow of his former self. In previous movies, you at least felt his anger and passion when Jason went into slice and dice mode. Now, he seems like nothing more than just another lunatic in a mask. Even the faux Jason in Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning did it better. As for the long-awaited moment when he dons his hockey mask? It was about as exciting as watching someone pick up a discarded candy wrapper off the floor.

The film’s violence seems largely antiseptic, and I’m half surprised that they didn’t make a few more cuts and shoot for the coveted PG-13 rating. Friday the 13th seems watered down on almost every level, which is saying a lot considering the less-than-perfect status of many of the previous entries in the franchise.

About the only thing the filmmakers seemed to get right was the nudity. Friday the 13th is loaded with various naughty parts, and they’re all of the highest quality. After seeing the movie, I’d be amazed if you don’t run straight for Google and enter the names of Willa Ford, Julianna Guill and America Olivo. There’s so much bare flesh that at times I thought I was watching an Eli Roth, but then I remembered that Roth also packs his films with plenty of gore and interesting kills, something this stinker is sorely lacking.

Fans of the original series should certainly see it, if for no other reason than to give them something to complain about. Anyone else, however, would be better off watching almost any slasher film from the 1980s. Friday the 13th is dull and predictable, so it should probably come as no surprise that it had the biggest opening weekend in horror movie history. I don’t know what’s scarier–Jason Voorhees or the fickle tastes of the American moviegoer.