The Crazies (2010)

If the newest remake of a George A. Romero horror flick, The Crazies, is to be believed, the only things more American than baseball and apple pie are zombies, government conspiracies, and military containment.

In the all-American town of Ogden Marsh, Iowa, everyone knows everyone else. So when teenage receptionist Becca (Danielle Panabaker) asks for the afternoon off, her boss, town physician Judy (Radha Mitchell), already knows it’s to watch her boyfriend play in a high school baseball game. Likewise, Judy’s husband and the town’s sheriff, David (Timothy Olyphant), knows who has outstanding parking tickets–the high school principal–and a problem with the bottle–family man Rory Hamill.

There are no secrets in Ogden Marsh. So imagine everyone’s surprise when Rory marches onto the baseball field with a loaded shotgun in hand and a dead look in his eyes, forcing David to shoot to kill. Then, a local farmer goes from acting spacey to methodically murdering his wife and son. Ogden Marsh’s prosaic small-town existence is overturned in just a few days.

Soon after, David discovers that there’s something in the water that’s turning his town of consummate normals into murderous crazies. And things only get worse when the government becomes aware of what’s going down and sends in the heavily armed troops in hazmat suits on a damage-control, er, disease-containment mission.

The story, such as it is, has been adapted by screenwriters Scott Kosar and Ray Wright and director Breck Eisner with Romero’s seal of approval (he executive produces). As is the case with many horror classics, there isn’t much depth, nuance or intricacy to The Crazies. The dialogue is sparse and the longest plot exposition comes from a marooned government bureaucrat in the 10 seconds before his head is blown off.

But that’s a good thing. Who goes to a zombie picture to wax poetic about motives and motivations? Just blow the suckers away and run! That’s exactly what Becca, Judy, David and his short-tempered deputy, Russell Clank (Joe Anderson), do.

This, of course, means that the actors don’t have much to do. Anderson alone stands out as the slightly disturbing hick with the intense blue eyes and a penchant for the double-tap. Clearly, he’s watched a zombie movie or two. Olyphant spends much of his time looking like the poor man’s Josh Duhamel, while Panabaker barely ranks on the Jennifer Carpenter (The Exorcism of Emily Rose, Quarantine) scream-queen scale.

Still, they all do a serviceable job of getting abused–by both their newly crazy neighbors and the uniformed men they thought would protect them. It’s thanks to these military foes that Eisner gets to flex his visual muscles. His unexpected explosions and fiery aftermath are operatic enough to rival those of established masters of blowing stuff up (take note, Roland Emmerich, before making 2013). The fireworks are offset by the eerie quiet of the town’s deserted streets and expansive wheat fields.

But the sound department is the real star of The Crazies. The most cringe-worthy moments in the film come from the sounds of pitchforks scraping across linoleum, spent shotgun shells crunching underfoot, and bone saws dancing across tile floors. If there is such a thing as a Foley Dude’s Guild Award, this team deserves a little gold statue right away.

Of all the Romero remakes and ripoffs since 1968’s Night of the Living Dead, I’m not sure that The Crazies is the best. But like baseball and apple pie, it’s pretty good.

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